Inside EUPD

Living with a Volcano: Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder

If you love someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), or as it’s sometimes called, Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD), you might feel like you’re tiptoeing around a volcano.

One wrong step—a word, a glance, a perceived slight—and an eruption engulfs everything. I know because I am the volcano.

I live with BPD, the explosive type, and I’ve seen the confusion and hurt in the eyes of those I love most. But here’s the truth, hand on heart: we lash out only at those we love. It makes no sense, I know. Let me help you understand why.

The BPD Brain: A Storm in a Teacup

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Imagine my mind as a laptop with a hundred tabs open, each screaming for attention. A single comment—say, “You’re overreacting”—can spark a chain reaction. I dissect the words, the tone, the body language, until a molehill becomes a mountain. To me, it’s not just a comment; it’s proof I’m unlovable, a failure, a fraud.

This is emotional dysregulation: my feelings don’t just guide me—they fucking hijack me. When I’m overwhelmed, these feelings become facts. If I feel rejected, I am rejected, at least in that moment.

These “triggers” can be anything: a canceled plan, a raised eyebrow, or even silence. For me, a friend’s off the cuff remark about their weight once spiraled into me hurling a cruel insult about their cholesterol. Did I mean it? Never. But in the heat of my emotional storm, it felt true. The guilt that followed was crushing, pushing me to dark places I’ve fought hard to climb out of.

Why It Feels Like an Attack (But Isn’t)

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To loved ones, my outbursts must look like personal assaults. You might feel like you’re dodging landmines, never sure what’ll set me off next. But here’s the secret: it’s not about you. When I snap, I’m not attacking you—I’m wrestling with a tidal wave of distress I can’t express. My tone might roar, my words might sting, but 99% of the time, I’m not aiming at you. I’m just terrible at showing it.

This is why BPD can be so bewildering. My emotions shift like desert sands—one minute I’m laughing, the next I’m raging, then I’m mute for days. Alcohol or stress? That’s like pouring petrol or gasoline if you live in 🇺🇸 on a bonfire 🔥 . And yet, I don’t act this way because I want to. My brain is wired to feel everything at 11, and logic takes a backseat.

The Frustration of “Why Don’t You Learn?”

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You might wonder why I keep repeating the same mistakes, why I don’t just “trust my emotions less.” Believe me, I ask myself that too. After every outburst, I’m flooded with shame. I apologize, I promise to do better, but then another trigger pulls me under. It’s not that I don’t want to change—it’s that my emotional compass is my only guide, and it’s often broken. Over time, though, I’ve learned to pause, to breathe, to question my feelings before they become my truth. It’s slow, but it’s progress.

The Bright Side of BPD

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Here’s what keeps me going: people with BPD are fiercely loyal, deeply loving, and wildly vibrant. Our unpredictable quirks—the ones that drive you nuts—are often what drew you to us. I’ve heard partners say, “Three months in, I wondered if this was the same person I fell for.” It is. We’re just a lot to handle. But our love is real, and when we’re in our light, we can make life feel like a fucking carnival 🎡 😂.

How to Navigate the Volcano

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If you love someone with BPD, listen to their words, not just their tone. When we’re spiraling, ask gently, “What’s really going on?” Create a safe space for us to vent without judgment. And please, never dare us to act on our darkest threats—our pain is real, and BPD carries the highest suicide risk of any mental illness. Check in if we’re distant; it might save a life.

For those of us with BPD, help is out there. Therapy, like Cognitive Behavior Therapy, has been a lifeline for me. Journaling, mindfulness, and even a simple walk “ in my case my dogs” 🐶, can ground us. We’re not doomed to erupt forever. For anyone wondering I have a Saint Bernard and a Newfoundland .

A Final Word

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Living with BPD—or loving someone who does—isn’t easy. But understanding it is the first step. My hope is that this glimpse into my world helps you see the person behind the volcano, the one who loves you even when it doesn’t look like it. If this resonates, share it. BPD is misunderstood, and every conversation helps. Reach out to a doctor if you see yourself in my words. You’re not alone.

P.s I have not drank alcohol for quite some time but it is honestly adding more fuel to the fire 🔥. I learned the hard way but it was a blessing.

~ Best wishes Joe

@Joeyoung2021 ( x formerly twitter)